I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize