Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
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