sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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