what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
