I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
