$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
