Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
