Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
