just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize