Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
