i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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