i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
