Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
