OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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