put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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