we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
