sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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