you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
They have beer where we have blood.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
