All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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