just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
