I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
