i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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