btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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