You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
