booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
only you would photoshop your dick
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
