i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
