Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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