break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
