I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
