My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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