im having a threesome with these popsicles
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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