And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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