Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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