I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Randomize
