I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
