just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
