i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
