i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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