I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
