I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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