i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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