Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
