Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
