When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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