I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
