Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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