there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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