Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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