Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
The ass gains better be worth it
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
