I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Do vagina's smell?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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