pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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