I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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