Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
