Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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