I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I AM VODKA MAN
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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