He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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