I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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