this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
