Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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