she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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