I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
