woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize