They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
