Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize