i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
