after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
