What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'm both gender and math confused
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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