Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
