i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
