some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
